I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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