Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
