I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
