I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
