I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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