she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
