Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
