Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
