there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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