I wish I could punch you in the face.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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