where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
we're chasing vodka with high fives
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
