I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
