just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
