Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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