It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
