I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
