Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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