Need sex. Gaining weight.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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