No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize