Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
