Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
