Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
