afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
True strength comes from lack of pants
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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