I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
