I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
