You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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