first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize