the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
