Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
3 2 1 whiskey
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
