I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
