He told me they were just razor bumps!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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