I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
