yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
