just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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