i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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