Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
