we have pet lesbian snakes
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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