I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
