forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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