Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize