last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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