how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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