She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
