pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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