just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
