Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
