where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
