I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
