Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
