I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
