its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
