Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
